I think we are starting Plan G....

John had scans last week and we got the results Monday from the doctor. Cancer has spread from his spine to other bones including his front right skull and a new tumor behind his right eye.

To be blunt, we are hoping for a miracle at this point. While the doctor has a few more chemotherapy options, she doesn't have any left in her arsenal specifically studied for treatment of rhabdomyosarcoma.  If I understand correctly, the next option we are starting has had success in other sarcomas - either in shrinking tumors or at least stopping them from growing.  Even though sarcomas are all the same family, the different sub-types are so different it's hard to say that because it works for one sarcoma that it will work for the rest. 

This next drug John will try is actually a "targeted therapy" rather than a chemotherapy.  Targeted Therapy attacks cancer cells where chemotherapy attacks all fast growing cells.  We are going to try out this drug for about 2 months to see if it will work in John's case.  If it does, then just like last time, we will continue it as long as it seems to be working.  If it doesn't work, we have other options.  Those other options just haven't been studied specifically for Rhabdomyosarcoma. 

Early in John's diagnosis I read blogs from other cancer families.  They were so insightful and said so much about the emotions and lessons learned during their cancer fights, and they so accurately described a lot of what I was feeling and going through. I have mostly kept this blog very specific to the facts around treatment, but this time I thought I'd give a glimpse of my thoughts and emotions. I'm not as fluent in emotional writing as other bloggers, but here's an attempt:

While this is hard news to hear, and it definitely made me cry (as many have seen), I'm still hopeful. I read a book called The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers by Meg Meeker, she quotes someone in her book who says, "I expect nothing, but I hope for everything...and believe in God's Goodness." Sometimes I may let my hopes become my expectations, but when I run into that I try to remind myself of this quote and keep hoping for the vision to see the good in whatever happens.  Sometimes the good is not immediate, but if I'm waiting for the good then the hard parts don't seem so hard because I know I'm fighting for something worthwhile.  I'm fighting for an eternal family. I know that an eternal family isn't going to be easily achieved and so I know have to step up to the plate and practice and improve until I'm able to hit that home run (which is a goal that takes an entire lifetime of work).  Cancer has taught me that every thing that happens in a day is my practice time - and just like people practicing to be the best musician or athlete, I will have to get bruised and tired and sore to become my best self.  I feel like the people King Mosiah gathered in The Book of Mormon.  In Mosiah 25, Mosiah read some journals to his people.  The people listening to the stories were filled with joy from parts of the story, with pain and anguish, they were filled with sorrow and cried, but "when they thought of the immediate goodness of God...they did raise their voices and give thanks to God" (vs 10).  Our story has pain but it also has joy and while I can feel both those emotions, I give thanks to God for all He is teaching me and His patience with me when I take so long to learn some of the important lessons I need to be learning.

I have gone through all kinds of emotions during this fight.  John and I try to stop and recognize what we are feeling in sorrow, pain, or confusion and then also acknowledge the blessings and good parts.  We are not perfect at this, but we went into it knowing that it was a test of our faith and decided early on that we were not going to use cancer as an excuse to be anything less than our best.  We know we have a lot to improve on to be our best selves, but this has been an awakening to things we can improve on. We are working harder now than we ever have before to live to be an eternal family*.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love, and support.  If any of you would like to join us in a fast this Sunday for this next treatment to be effective, we would appreciate it. 

*We believe that life continues after mortal existence and that in the temple, we are sealed together for eternity.  https://www.mormon.org/faq/mormon-families